Congratulations, New Grads, and Welcome to Indentured Servitude!
Congratulations, Class of 2015! The diploma you hold in your hands today is the most expensive thing you’ll ever own. Why? Because you will surely be too impoverished supporting us Baby Boomers to ever buy a house.
Surprised? Don’t be. Your so-called education is the culmination of decades of our hard work remaking the academy, the media, and our cultural institutions to better prepare your bodies, your minds, and your spirits for a lifetime of service.
Do the tens of thousands of dollars of tuition loan debt you carry feel like a heavy burden? Well, wait until you see what lies ahead! Generations of politicians have made promises you will be called on to keep. Promises to the elderly. Promises to retired public employees. Promises to farmers, corporate welfare recipients, foreign despots, too-big-to-fail bankers, food stamp recipients needy and not—hardly an interest group exists whose votes haven’t been bought with your money.
And those votes will make sure that politicians keep raiding your paycheck every week. For the rest of your working lives.
So go ahead, enjoy that graduation party! We’ll be the ones truly celebrating, as modern medicine helps keep us alive until we’re 120 years old, collecting 55 years’ worth of Social Security and Medicare payments. At least all the binge drinking you did in college will you get through what’s in store.
To read the rest of the column, click here.
SPECIAL BONUS: Audio of this commencement address delivered at the University of the Flying Unicorn. Click here.